A New Day is Dawning

So as I wrote Bad Romance: A Look at How Twilight Connects to Literacy and Domestic Abuse I kept getting really really frustrated and angry, so I would take a moment to have a little free write, then do something else to calm down. It worked well. You may find my fits of anger humorous, so here you go, extra special just for you:

----
This is SO HARD to write about, because every time I try to take a step back and be academic, I can't. I am so disgusted by this book, so angered by what she portrays. Bella, an empty shell of a human, there to be abused, held up as a role model? The mentally and sometimes physically abusive Edward, upheld as oh-so dreamy? Stalking romantic? What are we teaching young women besides that not okay relationships are okay? Every time I think about this, and try to write it in a scholarly fashion, I get too upset. I can't step back and do that, I want to fill it with emotion, and speak directly to Angel's little sisters, and other middle school and high school kids, and say "This is not okay, you deserve better than that. You don't ever need some one else to validate you, or run your life. You are you, and that is independent, and wonderful, as long as you believe it, and treat yourself right."


I would rather have my daughter dress like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for Halloween and be having responsible sex at 16 than in an abusive relationship like this. Because I would want my baby girl to be confidant in who she is, and what she's about. I want her to, even if she makes some bad decisions (ie: dress like a tramp and have sex in high school) be able to stand strong, and know that her family loves her in a healthy, caring way, and be able to walk away if anyone treats her wrong. (Not that I would be happy with her dressing like a tramp and having sex so young, but if I was told I had two choices for what my daughter would be like at 16? That would be the one to pick, over blank slate and stalker McGee.)


This is so hard to write about calmly, when I know it is wrong. The Anger I feel for knowing this is being treated as okay and even good, and fear I feel for the young woman who will take this to heart. The fear for myself, to be in a society that might move backwards because abuse is acceptable. there is a distinct wrongness about this that is being treated as right, and it is not okay.

FUUUUUUUUUCK I am too angry to not be preachy. THIS IS NEVER OKAY. YOU ARE ALWAYS WORTH MORE. YOU HAVE WORTH BEYOND WHAT A MAN GIVES YOU. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN RIGHT, INDEPENDENT OF OTHERS. TEAM BELLA GROWS A BACKBONE AND REALIZES SHE DOESN'T NEED A MAN. Okay, I think I'm done with that now. Also. Why does she ignore her Father? Charlie obviously loves her and cares about her, even if he doesn't know what he's doing, and how could he, if she's been living in Phoenix? He'd trying, he cleaned up, and had her room ready, he bought her a car, he wants to encourage her to make friends and have a social life, and all she does is belittle his efforts! What the hell! He's a guy, he grew up a guy, he lives as a guy, he is as far from being a teenage girl you can get without being DEAD. He will never understand or be able to help if you do not help facilitate a dialogue! My own father, who has raised two girls to adulthood, STILL does not always get it, but he tries, and he can't open the dialogue all the time, if I want something, I HAVE TO ASK. If I want to spend time with him, I talk to him! It isn't magic, Mom might get most of the secret girl subtle signs, but Daddy will only ever get about a third of them, if he's lucky. He's a guy. He can try, and try he has, but he will only get so much. Imagine if he had never raised us, if we just moved in when we were 16, having only come a few summers before puberty. He'd have no fucking clue. Give the man a break, and have a proper relationship with your Daddy. No WONDER she is fucked up about dudes.

---
Thank you, the end. Essay to come.

So today for lunch, I have left over rabbit, from dinner (it is deep fried in a buttermilk batter, and REALLY GOOD), a roll with cinnamon-honey butter (compound butter I made earlier), half a pomegranate, a salad with home made raspberry vinaigrette, and a wedge of cheese. It is good. I have been eating more, because I burn more calories trying to stay warm in this weather. I swear, today might be the first day all week with a high above 50F.

I am procrastinating on my English essay, which I suppose I should do more work on. SHAME ON ME. Also, I am considering using my blog to make me eat better, by taking pictures of my meal, and sharing it with the world, and then I will eat better, because people are judging me (and even if they aren't, I will feel like they are, thus, it will still work).

Also, I am worried, I have not received any RSVPs for my party.....

Back to work.

written at 4:03, Thursday, Dec rd
WARNING: this this is such a teal deer, so to sum it up by paragraph: history class, IDST class, English class, Math class, social life, boys, work, holidays, and thanksgiving.

Juuuust finished typing history notes. Another 6 pages. (for those not in the know, for a ton of extra credit, I do assistant work for my history teacher. There are 4 of us, but I am the only one who does much. I type up my history notes and post them to the class blog, I organize study groups, and write up study guides for midterms and finals) Only 2 more classes before the final. I am super beyond ready for this. On the lowdown, the teacher told me today that I could opt out of the Final (which the syllabus tells me is 25% of my grade) I'm taking it anyway, as I know my big essay is not that big or great. <.< The way she did it was a 4 step project, which was hard for me to do, as I cannot recall the last time I wrote an essay the way I'm "supposed" to, so it was a struggle to get the parts she wanted done when she wanted them. But its that's out of the way. Just got to finish my 1 hour of transcribing interviews for her, and run one more study group, and I am free to go.

I have a presentation project due Monday, for which I need to finish up my part of the research, write it up into something coherent, and be sane for meeting with my partner, Josh, tomorrow after the history study group. No problem.... not. Its on Al Ghazali, an 11th century Persian philosopher, and my Persian hsitory background is... nonexistent. So every time they say "He was hired by ______ the famous visier for the ______ sultans to teach at ________ in Baghdad." I have to spend the next hour or so learning about the man, the line of sultans, and the school, because while they are obviously famous in Middle Eastern history, it means so little to me. Very educational, though.

After that, I have my term paper for English due. It is about a social problem. I asked if I could write about Twilight as a platform and reflection of social ills. She was interested, so there ya go. That is due the day of the final, and then we give short presentations on them. Should be interesting.

As for math, as long as I can manage to muddle my way though the trig functions, I should pass the class. I am terrified on this front. Remember how it took me like, until 6th grade to really have my multiplication tables down (and before you make fun, I was still in a 7th grade math class, so suck it.) so this whole memorizing the basics for trig functions, you know, 30 deg = pi/6, sin= etc etc? Yeah, this is the 4th class in 6 years that has covered it. Still not there yet. Dad was like "You just need to remember the basic triangles!" Well, thank you Dad, for the same bit of advice everyone has given me since the first time I covered this, wanna throw in "just memorize sin and cos and you can get the rest!" in there too? that one is almost as popular. I get how that works, totally, but that doesn't make me any better at memorizing the triangles or JUST the sin and cos. He shut up after that, we've never gotten on well where mah is involved. He's better at memorizing things.

Also! Guess who has taken a liking to tapioca? (answer: me) my theory as to why is that previously, I was given very over-cooked tapioca. Which is still hella gross. So Lily and I like to go to Quickly about once a week. Good times. Social life besides Lily? Not very big. Oh well, maybe I can get Jon to hang with me more next semester. I miss my man.

Speaking of men.... I got nothin. One bad date with a guy I wasn't much interested in (smarmasaur to the max). No real prospects.... but I want one, I admit it. =( I like having a guy, but it doesn't appear to be in the cards, right now.

On Another front, I am starting to look for a Job. I need one, and there is no reason not to, I handled this semester with what could almost be called grace and skill, and I need money. This will get posted on more when I, you know, have time to worry about a job after finals. Also, guess who is headed to drivers ed as soon as she finds a place to take it? Be afraid world, be very, very afraid.

I MISS EVERYONE. I am so excited for the holidays, and having everyone around. This weekend I am getting space in the freezer and the materials for all my cookie dough. I dream of menus and floral arrangements. Christmas trees and yule logs. Dresses and singing and making merry. I am so happy for December.

Also! I woke up very early, and MISSED the Radio City Rockettes on thanksgiving (mom was supposed to tell me when they came on as she was in the living room and I in the kitchen, but then she left the room, and came in right after they finished up), and learned how David L. James makes stuffing and cooks a turkey. So worth it. (though I am still sad I missed the Rockettes, they are the second most important part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade after Santa. The Sesame Street float is third).

Wow, this is a really long post. More later, I'm sure.

But my only good shoes right now are my new converse. Which may explain why everything sucks.... I told myself I'd get out more, I'd meet a nice guy. I said I'd do super well in my classes and clean house more. I said I'd look around for a job.

I'm still outraged by a lot of things, but wither can't do much, or don't know what. I still haven't forgiven, even though I've been saying I let go.

Lets start a punk band. It'll be awesome, we'll sing about racial and gender equality, and kick out all the skinheads. It'll be great. They'll burn down a venue around our show, and we'll be famous, because our truths were savage and dangerous, and the people couldn't understand until it was too late. We'll burn brighter than the stars you can see from downtown.

I am sick of hearing about Twilight. There are so many better things out there, not only in the sense of just grammar, but also content. I would never want my child to idolize such a broken, obsessive, mentally abusive relationship as "love" I want them to idolize a strong woman, who can move forward on her own, and defend herself, and can find a love as equals. Tamora Peirce, while sometimes having characters bedding down more quickly than I would like, gives much better role models than Myers. Garth Nix's Abhorsen series is one of my favorites as well. The Golden Compass, if you aren't terribly religious. And what about the classics? As teens and young women, what about Austin novels? Good books that take a brain. What is wrong with us today, that poorly written vampires who climb into ladies' bedrooms at night are seen as romantic? I can't stand it.

In other news, I should be typing up my relationship essay. I combined Chinese soap viewing, ginger ale and soup delivery, homework pick up, household familiarity, and jokes about growing old together. And pretend they happened in the same even (because it made for a better story that was more coherent, and I am taking artistic license, because I can.)

Ignoring that essay again, in my lovely stream of consciousness, lets talk about the fact that I have almost no social life. Its pitiful. I sit on my ass with Phoebe and Mom most weekend nights. I don't have many friends (there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance, and those I do have also seem to be homebodies.

Enough chit chat for now, we need to name our punk band.

Oh! Well.... this is awkward. Long time no see. Have you been well? That's good, I have missed you too. I'd like that... Maybe tomorrow, between classes. We can sit in the Library, and talk about all the past and present that we missed. I'll see you around 11 then? Great.

I am faily, with very little to say today. Someone remind me later to actually, you know, post. This is why  I never had a diary, or kept up my reading journals. I kinda suck at it. I just remember my failings, and its depressing.

-Kubla (2 weeks ago)
was fun, thanks Dex for talking me into going. But for the love of all things good and holy, can wel PLEASE let the cleaning ladies in, at least in the bathroom? They have the keys anyway. If they wanted to steal from us, they would. That smell was just not okay. Also, to Al, with dearest love, its not cockblocking if he wasn't going to ge any anyway. Why couldn't you save me the awkward? Why?


-Chillin with Sarah (wednesday?)
Always lovely to spend time with you, fun helping out at work, dirving about, shopping, and generally being awesome, we must do this more.

-painting (the weekly deal)
Damn, I really need to get La to clear the desk so I can paint again. Just saturdays are not cutting it for me. I enjoy it too much.

-archery (supposed to be weekly)
We fell out of the habit again. Whoops, also, I need to talk to Joanne about the 2 of us going another day of the week, that way, I have TWO one hour sessions a week, which should be AWESOME.

Thats it, fair thee well, faithful readers, till I actually, you know, do stuff with my life.

I feel like a zombie. Not sleep so good last night. I need to print my Character sheet for a zombie RPG I'm playing in on Sunday, and I need to read the rules for a one shot on the 30th. I need to call admissions, ortho, and oral surgeon, all to make appointments. I need to tell my family what I want for my birthday, I really have no clue. I need to exercise more, start doing light weights, and eating better. I need to buy new pants, new converse, and get a hair cut. I want a new LJ username, so I'll probably make a new one? I need to call/write to my friends more. I need to get the plot bunnies out of my head. I need to get the music that makes me cry out of my head. I need to stop trying to be cool on the internets (it doesn't matter, and its not working XD) I need to not be batshit insane.

that word vomit over....

In regards to the plot bunnies. Would anyone be offended by my terrible narrative writing skills if I tried to work on a story in installments and posted it here, for you all to read, and tell me why it sucks? ("misspelled this!" "grammar fail HERE!" "this makes no sense!" "this is a boring story" etc.)

I am sick. I woke up Sunday with a cough. Thought nothing of it and drank some water, and had pancakes (because my Daddy is awesome and made me pancakes.) Cough continued, when my awesome pancake-making Daddy went to go pick up La from BART that evening, I asked him to get cough drops. Drops helped, yay. Went to bed at 10, was feeling tired. Slept fitfully, woke up coughing a few times. Got up at 9.30. Still coughing, small headache. Showered, got dressed, got a bagel for breakfast. Developed a small sniffle around noon, cough drops becoming less effective. <.<

As it stands now: Tired, STILL coughing, throat is sore, sinus feels blocked up, but very little sniffles. Giant headache from hell, and my neck is sore. BLEGH. And that is all I have to report, really. Gonna shower, and hope it makes me feel less lucky, and take some NyQuil.

HAHAHA. So, its been... over 3 months? shame on me. Whatever.

I'm already having issues with giving up comic for lent. its been a problem. Most of my time on the computer is spent reading comics. I freaking LOVE comics. So I've taken to writing a story. And as it turns out, it is all wrong. Well, not all wrong? But mostly wrong. Must start over. Must set goals of some sort. Blegh.

I also need to, Monday morning, start throwing myself against the wall that is CCSF. I don't wanna. But I'm going to.

I also need to buy my ticket for Kubla Con, we will also make that Monday, I guess. Have to make a deposit first.

I also also need to repaint Brian's figure, poor thing. Hopefully I can do as good a job.

Why is this blog post becoming a to do list?!?! Probably because I have lots to do, and have done very little. More shame on me.

My head hurts, probably because I haven't stayed well hydrated today. And... I don't know, that's about it.

I miss everyone. I'm sneding all the Valentine's day cards I wrote a month late.... maybe I should cross out "Valentine's Day" and write "White Day" instead? Who knows.